so again I find myself..


in those fifteen weeks, I’ve overcome hospital-acquired pneumonia. That gave me a 50% chance of survival at its worst and saw my friends and family come to say their goodbyes to me. Obviously, I did survive it, but it’s left me feeling physically weak and mentally exhausted. I’ve nothing left to fight with.

This and other stuff that over the last year has finally caught up with me mentally. I’m experiencing the following –

Again I find myself image
  • flashbacks to past abuse
  • feeling distressed and very agitated
  • scared to go to sleep because of nightmares. As a result, I’m physically exhausted
  • It is the anniversary of my father’s death from a heart attack on the 6th of January 1979. I was 8 years old
  • have very definite and real plans to end my life. I want to obstruct my airway. I know I can do this easily enough to get my oxygen levels very low.
  • I’m seeing my abusers in my room in that corner over there.

I am feeling very claustrophobic and closed in. Everything is on top of me. I just don’t see away out without being dead. I’m tired of fighting everything all of the time. I feel more than depressed, I’m actually desperate to die and stop my life. I basically want to curl up in a little ball and never wake up again. Yes, I’ve felt like this before, but not to the extent I’m feeling it right now. Please just let me die.. Please!

(images by Beautiful Free Images)


  1. Tina says:

    So I had my mental health assessment today. I’ve now been destined under section 3 of the Mental Health Act. This means I can be destined in hospital for up to six months.

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