Feeling suicidal yet again – Due to the ongoing situation at home and my care, I’ve been left feeling increasingly suicidal over the last three weeks especially.
I can’t begin to explain how just feeling that way once again has left me feeling. I was hoping never again to feel the intense despair and hopelessness that led to my last suicide attempt in my previous nursing home, One that saw me sectioned under the Mental Health Act and spend nine weeks in a psychiatric ward.
Some background
As I said due to what I’ve been dealing with at home I’m left feeling that way once again. I don’t want to use this post to talk about the practicalities of my situation, I’ve covered that in other posts. I want to concentrate on the emotional side.
Last night it all came to a crisis point for me. I’ve spent the last couple of weeks fighting the suicidal feelings. I was feeling the same utter despair that had been part of my previous episodes of depression. Everything inside just hurts so much. Everything just hurts. That awful sinking feeling that you have when you wake up ( if you actually sleep) because you have to somehow find the emotional energy to get through the day. Energy you just don’t have.
Doing the basic tasks like taking a shower become really difficult. This is despite the fact that I need a high level of practical support to shower anyway due to physical health issues. Emotionally it feels just too much. Like just what was the point? Every area is once again very dark, overwhelming and very painful.
Yesterday I decided that today would be the day I finally died. I’m not sure why yesterday. Nothing big had happened. I just knew my time had come. As with previous suicide attempts once I had finally made my mind up that now was the time, all the intense emotions I’d been feeling over recent weeks subsided. I was left with a calmness as I knew the crazy thing called my life was ending.
And to last night
I decided last night was the right time. However, I was left with that awful fight-or-flight feeling. Waiting for the right moment to carry it out. When I could get away with it the most. I knew once I started the act I would be okay. It was that awful shit if this doesn’t work feeling that I couldn’t deal with.
So I decided to text SHOUT. I don’t usually like texting, and definitely not about how I’m feeling Their service is different. You can literally hide behind words. I was able to express myself in great detail. She asked what method I planned to use and if I had it with me. I was able to tell her about the lack of any mental health care in the six months after discharge from the psych ward. Explained the ongoing situation at home and just how low and dark that is making me feel. We chatted for a long time. I finished the call though, still determined to go ahead with my plan.
What stopped me last night? Only the thought of it not working. Going through all of that emotionally and still being alive. That’s the same point right now. If I had a 100% guarantee I would do it without a doubt. I just didn’t want to make the situation worse.
So for now I’m back to hiding my utter despair from the world. To just getting through each minute at a time. I don’t know if that will be enough though.