Rediscovering my emotional wellness. Seven years ago I lost the ability to walk due to lymphoedema in my legs and arms. I had to give up living independently and move into a nursing facility to receive 24 hour care. Up to that point, I’d lived independently on my own since the age of 16 years old.
Yes life was hard very hard at times . I struggled constantly with severe depression and anxiety which saw me admitted to a mental health hospital many times over the years. I struggled to cope with normal life, the life that my peers seemed to be living and enjoying.
However in between hospital admissions I built up a life that was normal for me. One that I was immensely proud of myself for achieving. I even had my two dogs – Clover a yorkie x chihuahua and Daisy a Cairn Terrier. Some of my best days were spent on long walks with my girls ☺️ Enjoying their company and the fresh air.
I had a very good circle of friends
Was blessed with some really good church friends and a good community within the church. My faith was very important to me. Despite all the pain I’d experienced in my life, and the pain I saw in others, I believed in a God that loved us and wanted the best for us.
As I said seven years ago I had to give up all of that and move into full-time care. I could no longer care for myself. Oh boy! What a seven years it’s been. Been moved between four nursing homes in that time. Each of them moving me on due to not been able to deal. With my complex mental health issues.
My physical health has deteriorated so much too. Each new diagnosis bringing its own limitations and challenges. Been in near constant physical pain has been one of the biggest challenges. Due to the lymphoedema in my legs and the swelling I’ve now got constant pain. I’m on the maximum amount of pain medication I can take. Nothing really helps.
However, the biggest challenge has been the emotional impact. There is now very little I can do for myself. I’m reliant on others for absolutely everything- from getting my drink to the indignity of having to have my arse wiped. The emotional toll of that has been massive. I feel like I’ve lost me a long the way. I no longer know who Tina is, what she is and where she fits in this world, if indeed she does.
Rediscovering emotional wellness once again
How do you find yourself again? How do you create a life that has purpose and meaning again? Those are the questions I’m asking myself right now. I feel lost and isolated. I somehow need to find freedom in the limits of my situation, a situation that I never asked for.
I don’t have any answers right now. Indeed I seem to be creating more questions than answers. Hopefully in writing my feelings down and getting it out there I might find some clarity- some way forward. I do hope so. I really do.