Contains talk of suicide – please do not read it if in a bad place.
I have been trying to write this blog post for days now, but haven’t been able to find the words to formulate how awful I’m feeling right now, I am not sure I have the words even now.
The feelings of intense distress and pain are off the scale. The feelings of suicide are planned and real – plans and times to carry out these plans are constantly fixed in my head, depending on the day and what time of the day it is. I feel exactly as I did back in the psychiatric unit at the beginning of the year. Where those thoughts and feelings are all I think about. Having those plans fixed in my head as a kind of way out is the only way I am getting through right now.
So what is stopping me from killing myself right now.? Honestly not very much. My only fear is trying to kill myself and it not working. Like last Thursday, I did what I did, but then as it didn’t work I had the consequences to deal with. The hospital to deal with and all that meant.
It’s currently 2.50 a.m. on Thursday morning as I write this. I can hear my 1.1 carer snoring gently from her chair. I’m sitting here on my chair looking over at the top of her head wondering if I dare risk trying something whilst I have the opportunity
Feeling much worse after upset with carer
After a major upset with one of the day 1.1 carers yesterday afternoon, I’ve decided I will no longer go along with what they want to make them feel better. I am doing what I want to do. As a result, I am no longer eating or drinking. I will let them do personal care if I must, but only because it will help me. Anything else is a no-no.
I’ve no real desire to be on this planet anymore. Somewhere where so many people have caused me harm and pain over the years. Right from being tiny. For me, I am just binding my time to the end. The finishing line. Is in sight
(Edited to add – Now 5:10 a.m. and the 1.1-night carer has just actually asked me if it’s okay if she has a doze as she is exhausted!)