Hope and fear blog post
Fear and hope – listed below are some posts I’ve written on my website since the beginning of May. Doing this I know I won’t be able to explain in full what has been happening and how I am feeling when we meet together later this H
The depression has now been bad for over a week. Increasing intensity and suicidal feelings. Below are some extracts of Facebook posts I’ve written over the last few days.. it explains my struggles to get any understanding from the nursing home I live in and mental health services in Sheffield.
“Feeling tired and overwhelmed again this morning. Lack of sleep and physical pain add to the already fragile mental health state.”and hope in the people who we love
Hope in the people we love
“It’s my sister’s birthday today. I was so tempted to forget hers like she “forgot “ mine . However I haven’t. I bought her a present two weeks ago when we went out shopping & a card. We posted it. This morning I sent her a text and wrote on her wall.”
Sometimes the people who are meant to love us the most hurt us the most. But two wrongs don’t make a right however tempting or justified it might feel.
“Texting Shout right now. Hit crisis point and home not taking me seriously. Can’t carry on like this. well I phoned cmht in desperation they won’t help either. So I’ve nothing left now.”
Feeling Fear and alone right now
“Never felt as alone as I do right now. Constantly having to fight systems that are meant to care but have become the problem. I can’t keep fighting a system that is broken, that doesn’t care or even begin to understand.
Thanks all. Somehow made it through the night. Now here to somehow get through another day. Good job I’ve got you guys”
“So there we have it. I spent all night phoning Sheffield single point of access. Explaining I was in a mental health crisis. Telling them about the three suicide attempts in six days. Telling them I’d managed to do this despite being on a 24/7 one-to-one.”
The 1.1 carer actually handed me the thing I hurt myself with the second time. On Wednesday night my 1.1 actually fell asleep on my 1.1 care. I took a photo of her showing how she had been a sleep for at least 15 minutes when I took that photo.No one has sat down with me and tried to talk to me about how I’m feeling or why. We know the care, or lack off has greatly impacted my current mental health situation.
The whole reason for moving to Sheffield
Mental health services think I’m safe as I have a twenty four hour 1.1 . However I’ve proved I’m still hurting myself. Apart from physical safety, I don’t feel emotionally safe in the nursing home. Not many staff have taken the time to get to know me, or how I’m feeling.
So another day I felt highly suicidal and depressed and had no support or acknowledgement from the home or mental health services here in Sheffield.
The whole reason for me coming to Sheffield & not back to Derby was that the home said it could cater for my mental health issues and my physical health issues. Well, it’s been proven wrong on both counts. Not even getting basic consistent physical care like regular pad changes, female-only staff for personal care, never mind any mental health care. Infant the twice I’ve said I’m getting into crisis ive just been dismissed and told I’m not in crisis.
It would appear that Sheffield CMHT thought I was getting community support from Chesterfield – never lived in Chesterfield, so I don’t know how that was assumed. Been left without mental health support despite being on a section 117 duty of aftercare. Fed up off having to fight for support and services all of the time.
So as a result of this blog
So on the backshot of what’s been happening at the home repeatedly since I came ( with little consistent improvement), I think the time has come to be asked to be moved.
It’s upsetting on many levels as I really thought and hoped after the three separate complaints were made by myself, my nice 1.1 and my friends that things had improved. And yes in some ways it has, but not on others.
Can not keep dreading the next day, and what’s going to happen next. The lack of consistency in care. I hate living in my own home. Iivingf for the days my nice 1.1 is here as I can relax and know everything is going to be okay.
I wonder if people appreciate how emotionally draining it is to have to fight for care and support? Silly little things like been given the wrong inhaler becomes a huge issue. Because you explain the new one is powdered and dries out your mouth. That the respiratory ward put you back on my original medication. But the home won’t have it/ won’t listen. Now in isolation that sounds a really little example, but you put that together with everything else that’s going on it’s knackering. I’m constantly having to explain and justify things.
I haven’t gone to head office for no reason, I’ve been putting it off for weeks until I can take no more, like last time I made a complaint.
I dunno where to go from here with this home. I’m just seen as a troublemaker, someone who’s in compliant. Believe me I don’t want to be seen like that. I just want to live in peace and be able to relax emotionally 😢